Vol. XLII, No. 1Wednesday, April 2, 2026Price: One Good Laugh
*** Breaking News ***
Beloved Kramer Portrait Vanishes From Paulsen Marketing Agency
Coworker Brett left "devastated" — Two brave employees lead the charge to recover the iconic
artwork
SIOUX FALLS — In what authorities are calling the most brazen act of art theft since the
Isabella Stewart Gardner heist of 1990, a beloved portrait of one Cosmo Kramer has
disappeared without a trace from the offices of Paulsen Marketing Agency. The portrait, long
considered the crown jewel of employee Brett's personal desk collection, was discovered
missing early this week under circumstances that can only be described as deeply suspicious.
"I came in Monday morning, coffee in hand, ready to start the week," a visibly shaken Brett
told reporters. "And there it was — or rather, there it wasn't. Just an empty space
where Kramer's glorious face once hung. The void it left behind is both literal and
emotional."
The portrait — a museum-quality print of the famous Cosmo Kramer painting from the beloved
television series Seinfeld — had been a fixture of the agency's media environment for
what sources describe as "a meaningful amount of time." Its sudden disappearance has sent shockwaves
through the tight-knit Paulsen team.
"This isn't just a picture," said one anonymous coworker, fighting back what appeared to be
tears, or possibly laughter. "This is a piece of our culture. Kramer watched over us during
our tightest deadlines. He was there for every brainstorm, every late night. He was one of
us."
Heroes on the Hunt: The Search Effort
Paulsen employee Catherine scours the premises in a tireless search for the missing
portrait. "We won't rest until Kramer is found," she vowed.
Fellow colleague Macy leaves no stone unturned as the investigation intensifies. Sources
say both women have "barely slept" since the disappearance.
A Community Rallies
In the wake of the disappearance, two Paulsen employees have emerged as unlikely heroes.
Catherine and Macy, both respected members of the agency's media team, have reportedly devoted
every spare moment to the search effort, going above and beyond the call of duty.
"Catherine was the first one on the scene," noted an impressed colleague. "She was looking
everywhere — under desks, behind monitors, in the supply closet. Her dedication is honestly
unmatched." Macy, too, has drawn widespread praise for what witnesses describe as an
"exhaustive and suspiciously thorough" investigation of every corner of the office.
The pair have been spotted combing through conference rooms, peering into ceiling tiles, and
methodically checking areas that, frankly, no reasonable person would ever think to hide a
portrait. Their commitment has not gone unnoticed.
"Those two are really something," Brett said, wiping away a single tear. "To know that my
coworkers care this much — it restores my faith in humanity. Whoever took Kramer clearly
doesn't understand the bond this office shares."
Investigation Ongoing
At press time, the portrait remains at large. Paulsen leadership has declined to comment on
whether security cameras captured any footage, citing an ongoing internal investigation.
Unconfirmed reports suggest the cameras were "conveniently malfunctioning" during the
estimated window of the theft.
A reward of undisclosed value — rumored to be "a Festivus dinner" — has been offered for
information leading to the portrait's safe return. Tips can be submitted anonymously to the
office suggestion box, which, ironically, has also gone missing.
